Why Do We Have To Justify Our Grief?

When we justify, we are trying to convince ourselves that it’s OK to settle for second best…that it’s OK to play it safe…that it’s OK to sell ourselves short.

Happy, fulfilled people don’t justify why they don’t have this or that and we shouldn’t either.
Lets tuck our excuses in our back pocket and just go for it.

We have our moments of doubt and despair. We have our moments of disappointment and depression, but lets treat it as part of our healing and not as a life sentence.

We can get our balance back, lets just give it some time.

Depression Interferes with Grief

Widows have to be careful that they don’t slip into depression. It is so easy to let everything go, because our whole life has changed.

The symptoms to watch out for are lack of sleep, decreased interest in life, feelings of guilt, no energy, difficulty in focusing and the opposite being over busy to avoid dealing with your emotions.

It is natural to have one or more these symptoms when your husband dies but the symptoms should lessen with time and if you can manage to get through it without drugs your long-term quality of life is better.

Try to avoid depression by forcing yourself to get out of the house to interact with others. Exercise, even if its just getting out for a long walk, will help you to heal. Pick a new hobby or interest so that you have something to focus on that is positive and interesting.

You can get your balance back by helping others. When you give of yourself it will always come back to bless you.

There is no time frame for grief and it has to take its course. To grieve and heal is a natural process as we slowly get back on our feet. Depression interferes with your healing so please don’t let it creep up on you.

Widows Understanding Widows

I've spoken to alot of widows that are all at different stages of their “grieving and healing” journey. It made me think of how we progress in our thinking and how our frame of mind also changes.

When Donnie died I was upset with him because he smoked, drinked and had bad eating habits and I blamed him. Thank goodness that Donnies family understood that was just my frame of mind at that point of time. Months later I understood Donnie just didn’t know how his choices were affecting his life. This caused a change in my frame of mind.

Please be patient with widows as they voice their feelings and remember that it is just their frame of mind at that moment. It’s not right or wrong, it’s just how they are feeling.

Understand that tomorrow or the next month their frame of mind could be totally different. In other words- please cut them some slack if their frame of mind is not what you think it should be.

I know that there were times that I was overly sensitive to comments made.  On the other hand I was also not sensitive enough to the suffering of others.  I guess that’s why life is a journey and I learn as I go along. 

If on my journey I have offended someone I hope that they will also cut me some slack.  We women are emotional creatures which can be both a blessing and a curse.

A Widow Shares her Story

Below is a message I received with permission to print and share:

” Hi Mary, My cousin thought of me the other day while reading your book “The Sisterhood of Widows”. She has lent me the book to read and so far this book has inspired me so much.

I am a widow and have been since 2007 (3 years). I was only 29 when I became a widow and never would of thought this would of happened to me. My husband and I had just given birth to beautiful twin girls in October 2006, and also had a 3 year old little girl.

December of 2006 my husband was complaining of not feeling very well. I ended up taking him to the Emergency room on New Year’s Day and them telling us that nothing was wrong and to go home. He was in such pain that a week later he had taken himself to the Emergency room again, and like before they sent him home. Things were getting worse so that’s when I took things into my own hands and made him an appointment with my family doctor. He started booking him for tests of all sorts.

It was not until March 22, 2007 that we finally got some answers. He had been diagnosed with Esophageal Cancer. On April 16 he started his first round of Chemo. He fought this awful disease until December 9, 2007 four days before our oldest daughters 4th birthday
.
He was 36 years old and didn’t deserve to be taken away from his family at such a young age. It has been a rough road for me and my girls, but we are so lucky to have such wonderful family and friends. I am looking forward to reading the rest of your book and hoping for it to help me with my loss. I will be putting it on my Christmas list this year because it will be one of those books that you will be able to read over and over and get something new out of it each time you read it. Thanks so much…. Kim”

I know your thinking “God bless her” because that was my first thought. All widows have to grieve and heal, but some sure do have a heavy burden to carry as they make their journey. December is a bad month for widows, but when its the same month your husband died then it is even more painful. The best healing is to reach out to other widows because they understand and it helps us to share our stories.

Abraham Lincoln helps us Widows

Abraham Lincoln said “People are just about as happy as they make up their minds to be”.

How we choose to react to being a widow is our choice. Each of us shapes our own destiny by the choices we make.

Everyone has it in her power to say, “This I am today, that I will be tomorrow.” The Bible says “You reap what you sow”. Respect your power to choose!

It’s not what you know that counts – it’s what you do with what you know! That’s what I call purposeful action.

Widows Taking Risks

When Donnie first died I was always busy because I didn’t want to deal with it. I was scared of sitting home all the time and getting into a rut. I had this strong sense that I couldn’t take a day, not even a moment, for granted because it could be my last.

I took the course and got my motorcycle license and although I still don’t have a bike I loved the alive feeling getting the license gave me. So, when you’re deciding whether or not to take a risk ask yourself two questions: What is the worse thing that could realistically happen If you fail? and If the worse happened, could you live with it?

I’d hate to die knowing that I went to battle against the unknown and surrendered without a fight. Life is to be lived with all its imperfections. What I do know now that I didn’t know before, is that if I fall flat on my face, I can and will get back up again.

Book "The Sisterhood of Widows" for Widows

It’s my sincere hope that my book “The Sisterhood of Widows” will encourage you to choose independence over dependence … to free yourself from grief… and to choose, above all, to live your life with purpose and passion rather than fearful caution.

The only way we can achieve independence is to exchange our wishful thinking for purposeful action. Which means you’re going to have to make a tough decision to step out of your comfort zone… take a calculated risk… and go for it.