Why Do We Have To Justify Our Grief?

When we justify, we are trying to convince ourselves that it’s OK to settle for second best…that it’s OK to play it safe…that it’s OK to sell ourselves short.

Happy, fulfilled people don’t justify why they don’t have this or that and we shouldn’t either.
Lets tuck our excuses in our back pocket and just go for it.

We have our moments of doubt and despair. We have our moments of disappointment and depression, but lets treat it as part of our healing and not as a life sentence.

We can get our balance back, lets just give it some time.

Depression Interferes with Grief

Widows have to be careful that they don’t slip into depression. It is so easy to let everything go, because our whole life has changed.

The symptoms to watch out for are lack of sleep, decreased interest in life, feelings of guilt, no energy, difficulty in focusing and the opposite being over busy to avoid dealing with your emotions.

It is natural to have one or more these symptoms when your husband dies but the symptoms should lessen with time and if you can manage to get through it without drugs your long-term quality of life is better.

Try to avoid depression by forcing yourself to get out of the house to interact with others. Exercise, even if its just getting out for a long walk, will help you to heal. Pick a new hobby or interest so that you have something to focus on that is positive and interesting.

You can get your balance back by helping others. When you give of yourself it will always come back to bless you.

There is no time frame for grief and it has to take its course. To grieve and heal is a natural process as we slowly get back on our feet. Depression interferes with your healing so please don’t let it creep up on you.

Widows Understanding Widows

I've spoken to alot of widows that are all at different stages of their “grieving and healing” journey. It made me think of how we progress in our thinking and how our frame of mind also changes.

When Donnie died I was upset with him because he smoked, drinked and had bad eating habits and I blamed him. Thank goodness that Donnies family understood that was just my frame of mind at that point of time. Months later I understood Donnie just didn’t know how his choices were affecting his life. This caused a change in my frame of mind.

Please be patient with widows as they voice their feelings and remember that it is just their frame of mind at that moment. It’s not right or wrong, it’s just how they are feeling.

Understand that tomorrow or the next month their frame of mind could be totally different. In other words- please cut them some slack if their frame of mind is not what you think it should be.

I know that there were times that I was overly sensitive to comments made.  On the other hand I was also not sensitive enough to the suffering of others.  I guess that’s why life is a journey and I learn as I go along. 

If on my journey I have offended someone I hope that they will also cut me some slack.  We women are emotional creatures which can be both a blessing and a curse.

A Widow Shares her Story

Below is a message I received with permission to print and share:

” Hi Mary, My cousin thought of me the other day while reading your book “The Sisterhood of Widows”. She has lent me the book to read and so far this book has inspired me so much.

I am a widow and have been since 2007 (3 years). I was only 29 when I became a widow and never would of thought this would of happened to me. My husband and I had just given birth to beautiful twin girls in October 2006, and also had a 3 year old little girl.

December of 2006 my husband was complaining of not feeling very well. I ended up taking him to the Emergency room on New Year’s Day and them telling us that nothing was wrong and to go home. He was in such pain that a week later he had taken himself to the Emergency room again, and like before they sent him home. Things were getting worse so that’s when I took things into my own hands and made him an appointment with my family doctor. He started booking him for tests of all sorts.

It was not until March 22, 2007 that we finally got some answers. He had been diagnosed with Esophageal Cancer. On April 16 he started his first round of Chemo. He fought this awful disease until December 9, 2007 four days before our oldest daughters 4th birthday
.
He was 36 years old and didn’t deserve to be taken away from his family at such a young age. It has been a rough road for me and my girls, but we are so lucky to have such wonderful family and friends. I am looking forward to reading the rest of your book and hoping for it to help me with my loss. I will be putting it on my Christmas list this year because it will be one of those books that you will be able to read over and over and get something new out of it each time you read it. Thanks so much…. Kim”

I know your thinking “God bless her” because that was my first thought. All widows have to grieve and heal, but some sure do have a heavy burden to carry as they make their journey. December is a bad month for widows, but when its the same month your husband died then it is even more painful. The best healing is to reach out to other widows because they understand and it helps us to share our stories.

Abraham Lincoln helps us Widows

Abraham Lincoln said “People are just about as happy as they make up their minds to be”.

How we choose to react to being a widow is our choice. Each of us shapes our own destiny by the choices we make.

Everyone has it in her power to say, “This I am today, that I will be tomorrow.” The Bible says “You reap what you sow”. Respect your power to choose!

It’s not what you know that counts – it’s what you do with what you know! That’s what I call purposeful action.

Widows Taking Risks

When Donnie first died I was always busy because I didn’t want to deal with it. I was scared of sitting home all the time and getting into a rut. I had this strong sense that I couldn’t take a day, not even a moment, for granted because it could be my last.

I took the course and got my motorcycle license and although I still don’t have a bike I loved the alive feeling getting the license gave me. So, when you’re deciding whether or not to take a risk ask yourself two questions: What is the worse thing that could realistically happen If you fail? and If the worse happened, could you live with it?

I’d hate to die knowing that I went to battle against the unknown and surrendered without a fight. Life is to be lived with all its imperfections. What I do know now that I didn’t know before, is that if I fall flat on my face, I can and will get back up again.

Book "The Sisterhood of Widows" for Widows

It’s my sincere hope that my book “The Sisterhood of Widows” will encourage you to choose independence over dependence … to free yourself from grief… and to choose, above all, to live your life with purpose and passion rather than fearful caution.

The only way we can achieve independence is to exchange our wishful thinking for purposeful action. Which means you’re going to have to make a tough decision to step out of your comfort zone… take a calculated risk… and go for it.

How much time is needed to grieve?

I was out last night and I ended up setting beside a widow (it’s amazing how many of us are out there). She has been a widow for eleven years and felt that it takes about four years to get back your balance. Some have felt that by your third year you should be back on track.

I don’t know but having talked to alot of widows I think that it depends on alot of things: your age, empty nest or kids at home, financial stress, sex and not least your relationship with your husband before he died.

There are some days when I still expect Donnie to walk in the door, while other days it seems like forever that I have been alone without him.

I’ve come to the conclusion that it is a personal journey and time doesn’t seem to matter.

Change in Lifestyle as a Widow

When there was two incomes coming into the house I didn’t really plan for my once a year expenses. How there is only my income and I have to accept that financial change. If I continue to live with out a plan I will not have any savings when things go wrong with the house or car.

Trouble is – I hate budgeting my money. It makes me think about where it’s going and sometimes I would whether not know. That’s my inner child coming out:-) OK, so I know better and I will start by writing out all my expenses even the yearly ones (I will divide them by 12) and get my monthly cost of living down on paper.

Once I know my true monthly expenses I will see how the income compares. I guess that is part of being responsible for myself but I do miss having someone to share the blame with.

Being a widow is such a change of lifestyle in everyway: financial, social and mental. Do you have any tips to help widows with their finances?

Brian Tracy at Author 101 University

When I became a widow I had no passion and life was flat. I purchased some motivational DVD’s with Brian Tracy and I watched them every night. He talked about goal setting and living a life of passion. I didn’t believe in myself but because of those DVD’s I set goals and went for it.

A year after submitting my manuscript I have my book and this weekend I saw Brian Tracy in person at Author 101 University in Las Vegas. Never in my dreams could I have imagined that I would actually meet him. But even more amazing to me is that I had my picture taken with Brian and I’m holding my book. A year beforeI didn’t even have that on my goal list as a possibility.

Brian Tracy and I – Las Vegas Oct 30,2010 This picture will always be a point of motivation for me. When I hit that brick wall I will get back up and remember that “Mary, You can do it.” because that was what Brian wrote in my book.

Life is amazing when you open yourself up to it. I’m going to redo my goal list – I’ve just realized that I’m not reaching high enough:)

Judging A Widow's Journey

I recently had a conversation with a good friend who was having a hard time because a her brother didn’t like the way she acted or dressed. He thought she was too loud and opinionated. This really upset my friend as she is actually very soft hearted.

It got me thinking about how easy it is to judge someone by what we see on the surface. When we see a widow dating that first year or on the other side a widow that years later still hasn’t accepted her husband’s death are we quick to judge their actions?

Let’s be sensitive and kind because it’s their journey not ours.

A Widow's Gratitude

Today I was working at the hospital doing programming and I was in the Radition/Chemo area. As I walked by the waiting room I saw a lady about my age just sitting there. She had shoulder length hair and was medium built. She looked healthy and for just a second our eyes meet.

I could see her fear and I knew. It was just a second but it touched my soul and made me realize that I’m not thankful enough for what I do have.

Starting tomorrow morning I’m getting up an extra 30 minutes early, making myself a nice cup of tea and writing in my new gratitude journal. I think it’s a perfect way to start my day and if I should ever forget – I will remember the lady who shared a moment in time with me.

Do you have something to be grateful for?  Please share if you do.

Widows - Sharing our stories and reqrets

I had never seen a man shave until I got married. I think I had this picture in my mind of a perfect marriage and I didn’t realize that couples do argue and that marriage can be difficult. I was hard on Donnie and when he was alive I blamed all of our problems on him, but now I realize that it was both of us.

Donnie started drinking when his father died and he had to go to the morgue to identify the body. Donnie was soft hearted and he never got over seeing his father like that. He couldn’t shake that picture from his mind and it always bothered him. I wish I had him back so I could tell him how much I appreciate how he loved me, his romantic ways and how hard he worked to provide for his family.

I think that there will always be some regrets, but I’ve learned to say “It is what it is” and accept it.
Wouldn’t it be nice if we could rewind our lives and change the things we regret?

Are there any stories of regrets out there and if so how did you handle them. By sharing our stories we can help each other to grieve and heal.

How To Help a Loved One Grieve

I’ve spent alot of time talking to widows and their families these last two days. I’m writing today for the families because they want to help but are struggling on how to approach their loved ones.

My advise is let them have their time of grief and not to push them.

The best thing to do is buy them motivational books, CD’s and DVD’s that they can watch and listen to when they are ready. The gift may not be opened for months but it will be there for them.

Everyone’s grief is different and they have to progress through the pain to the healing.

Widows Helping Widows

Below is an email I received with permission to pass it on.  Widows helping widows – that is what it’s all about.

To: Mary Francis
Subject: Your Chapter

Well done Mary! I was impressed. Our guys are not replaceable that’s for sure. There were several phases that really caught me,

– Everyone dies and it’s not avoidable.

– Only God knows how much time you have.

– I’m afraid of growing old and having regrets for people and places I never made the effort to explore.

– ..people are more important while things have lost their appeal.

– I didn’t have to cater to other people’s needs all the time. I started to slowly change as circumstances forced me into a new lifestyle. I questioned my habits…

– (about the lawnmower)… No one used it but Donnie and the first time I had to start it up and mow the lawn I cried the whole time.

– I have made room for friends in my life.

– (about grief) That’s ok, I let it have its time, but I make an effort to keep moving so it doesn’t find a home in my soul.

And the most profound;
‘The greatest thing in the world is to have someone exclusively of your own – to love, to trust and to share’.

There were so many others Mary. I have scribbled and highlighted all over it. It gave me a sense of peace to read it and I will many times. I hope you are very proud of your accomplishment. If you are like me, unfortunately death spurred us on to an area we wouldn’t have explored, certainly I wouldn’t have chose it, and yet you have made value from it. We need this book Mary.

You are most welcome to take excerpts (if you want) from what I wrote and forwarded to you earlier. Greif evolves and now I’m in a different place with it.

People say the spirit stays with you for a year – how they know beats me, but it scares me that the year mark is approaching, does that mean he’ll leave me? I’m becoming desolate in my own fear of being completely abandoned.

I feel like I have come to know you through your writing. That’s the part where we expose ourselves and you have done so with skill and the ultimate love of others in our situation.

Again I say well done.
Barbara

Robin Sharma - Positive Book for Healing

Back in 1997 I purchased the book “The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari” by Robin Sharma. I highlighted it and marked the pages and it had a big impact on me. However, I didn’t realize how much of an impact until I heard him speak in my home town.

I now see that his positive messages, read and reread over 13 years, were reflected in my own book “The Sisterhood of Widows”.

Robin’s book influenced my personal life long before Donnie’s death but I didn’t realize it.  As I write this I can’t help but think about how important it is to read good books and listen to positive material because I’m sure it can make a big difference in how we react to life’s challenges.

Please share what positive books have helped you.

Passion Tree - Just for Widows

I’ve thought of this alot since I’ve become a widow. What is a life of passion? I think it’s a joyful life but that’s hard to find after the death of a loved one. Everything is grey and dull and its hard to even laugh.

I think there should be a Passion Tree and we should be able to pick our passion. If only it was that easy!! I have found life alot more joyful since I became passionate about helping other widows.

I think that to be joyful you have to find your passion in life. Somehow it will involve helping others because when you stop looking at your grief and focusing on others you can’t help feeling. And feeling, any feeling in the beginning is a great start to living a life of passion.

Setting Goals as a Widow

Don’t waste your time thinking it’s too late to go after your dreams. You can learn new things at any time in your life if you’re willing to be a beginner. When it comes to dreams – nobody makes you do them. Nobody is going to push you.

So, take the time to define your goals – Don’t be afraid.

• On one line write down something you want to have or to do.
• On the same line put a target date for reaching your goal.
• List under your goal line all the steps that need to be taken to reach that goal.
• Break down the list as to what needs to be done every day on a consistent basis.
• At the end of each day write out your thoughts about that day in a journal.

Example if my goal is to lose 20 pounds in 3 months – it’s only 6.5 lbs a month, and that is only 1.5 lbs per week.   Funny, how l.5 lbs per week sounds so much easier.  And that is the secret – break the goal into small pieces that you can do. 

All I did was state my goal and break it down to what I would do each day.  Somehow that big scary goal became small and easy for me to accomplish.

Repeat this process for every goal: write goal – set date – list daily steps – journal at day’s end.
Take some time to really think about what you want your goals to be.

Support for Widows as they Grieve

You’ll know that you’re detached and out of touch with how you feel when others seem more emotional then you. You may feel disconnected and emotionally unavailable. Try to open up to close friends or family members that you trust to honor your thoughts and feelings.

Although not for everyone, professional help can be just what you need to understand that it’s normal to be so unbalanced. If you want to talk to someone that can help you with the emotions that you’re faced with then get a Counselor that you’re comfortable with.

Ask other widows if they know of anyone that can help you, look up the local Community Health Clinic or ask your Family Doctor for a referral. Don’t hold back, this is the time to reach out.

The Sisterhood of Widows isn’t a blood tie, but women bond together in special way that makes us like a family. We share the parts of our lives that only other women can understand. It is important to spend time with a family of women to nurture and support ourselves. To be listened to, humored and encouraged by our women friends is a gift not to be taken lightly.

The following websites and authors are about living a life with purpose:
www.jackcanfield.com                  www.briantracy.com                           www.jimrohn.com

Stephen Covey, Anthony Robbins, Denis Waitley, Chris Widener, Vic Johnson (Goals2go), Bob Proctor, Zig Ziglar, Robin Sharma and Mark Victor Hansen are some of the best in the world so check them out.  Most of the above authors offer free newsletters and samples so you don’t have to buy anything.

Financial Decisions As a Widow

Financial decisions have to be made every time you turn around.   Everyone has an opinion but not everyone is an expert.

This is your future security so be very cautious.

• Ask your bank about their Financial Planning Consultants.
• Talk to your Insurance Agent about your policies and financial planning.
• See your Lawyer to redo your will and ask about a living trust fund.
• Think about preplanning your funeral – it’s a gift to the family.

Can you afford to live the life you really want?

You have to take control because ignorance is not bliss when it comes to your money.
If you don’t know what to do or how to do it asking for help is your first step.   We all need support when learning new skills.   Check out   the website http://widowed.ca/ for some great advise for Canadian widows.

Balance your check book and get your bills together. Know what is coming in and what is going out every month. Identify the expenses that are unnecessary and get rid of them.  Ask yourself what adds value to your life.  

This website www.debtproofliving.com has some great advise.

• Take time to be grateful for what you do have and more abundance will come to you.
• Give to others -not just money but in sharing of your time to help someone else.

Living well does not require having a lot of money. And living within your means does not mean that you have to give up those things you enjoy. The key is to stop and ask yourself what truly makes you happy and go for quality of life not quantity of things.