Adjusting to Our Grief

One of the most important skills we will ever learn is how to adjust to a crisis in our lives.  There will be more crises in our future and learning how to handle the pain will help shorten our path.

Start right off by keeping a journal so that you can follow your path.  You will be able to re-read it over time and gain a better understanding of your changes and the wisdom you gained.  

The adjustment to a single life can be overwhelming – Where to start?  But as you make your our path, you’ll discover that despite the emotional trauma you have experienced – personal growth and happiness is still possible.

I’m grateful for those that have helped me and I’ll be sharing their wisdom with you.  There are some specific ways to find your path and some find it almost immediately, while others are unable to identify a way out because their feelings are buried in their pain.  Fear and denial can be stumbling stones on your path, but once you see and acknowledge them , you will be able to find your way around them.

In the next few weeks I will pass on the wisdom of others that have traveled the grief to healing path.  We will work on those feelings that make you reluctant to get back out into the world.  How about you?  Are you stumbling?  Keep in touch and we will work on it together.

Everyone Grieves Differently

Everyone grieves differently. There’s no single correct way to express the pain, sorrow, emptiness, and other parts of the transition need to learn to live on your own again.

Intense responses are sometimes seen as “losing control,” when in fact they’re simply how that person is actively (and productively) processing the loss.  Let every one grieve and heal as their journey unfolds.

Most people never stop grieving a death; they learn to live with it. Grief is a response, not a straight line with an endpoint

Ignore oft-quoted rules and opinions that  predict how long certain types of grief should last.
Learning how to grieve is ultimately part instinct, part stumbling along, part just getting up in the morning — a bit like learning how to live
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The grief process isn’t a steady fade-out, like a photograph left in the sun.  Grief is a chaotic roller coaster — a mix of ups, downs, steady straight lines, and the occasional up chuck.
Periods of intense sadness and pain can flare up and then fade away for the rest of your life.

Some people never cry.  Tears or outward expressions of anguish simply aren’t everyone’s grieving style, says psychologist Neimeyer.

This doesn’t mean they’re grieving less then someone who is visibly shaken or that they didn’t love the person just as much. Nor does a lack of obvious emotion mean the griever has an emotional problem or will fall apart at a later date or that they will have a harder adjustment to the loss.

It just means quite simply that everyone is different in all aspects of their lives and that includes grieving.

Grief Steals Our Peace

Bad days – we all have them.  One day everything is fine and the next everything looks grey and sad.

The good news is that pain, while soul-crushing, is manageable.  The pain can steal my peace but it does leave behind experience.  This experience is more valuable then gold because it is what armors me against the emptiness and gives me the capability to help other widows.

If you’re fortunate enough to give someone else some disaster relief, it is a beautiful thing.   I’m a firm believer in the power of distraction and it’s cure for loneliness and frustration.

Please accept my occasional mood swings and irritation when people say “This too shall pass”.  ”Buck up”.  ”You will find someone else”.  ”It’s time to move on”.   People need to mourn their losses their own way and memories need to be honored.

Sometimes we just need to be sad and to be listened to – a hug wouldn’t hurt either.  You can’t make it better because it is what it is.  We can’t fix everything and sometimes life just isn’t fair. But through all this I have friends and family that I love and who love me.

My bad days are fewer as the years go on, but they are still part of my own journey.

Insights about Grief

I want to share some insights I have learned concerning bereavement:

• Grieving people are best helped by those that have also lost a loved one.

• The process of grieving begins the day that your loved one is diagnosis and does not end until one’s own death.

• Grieving people need an emotionally safe place where they can talk without fear, interruption or judgment.

• Grief is an extremely personal journey and is unique to each person.

• Grief is NOT tied to a specific time frame.

• People who are grieving do not always follow expected notions of behavior.

• Grieving people need the understanding of friends to help them make life changes.

I believe we must respect all forms of loss and take into account the differences in cultural and religious traditions.  People will honor their loved ones in their own personal way.

Power of Choice

In a curious way that phrase can result in  calming your mind and spirit.

Don’t waste the pain – is a profound insight that pain was not given to be merely miserable with but to learn from it and let it motivate you to action.

History shows us that great strengths are discovered in the the depths of pain, not in the midst of joy.

Let pain drive you to create, to be worthy of life.  The greatest power we have is the power of choice.

Choose happiness over unhappiness, positive over negative and not let it drive you into despair and bitterness.

Acts of Kindness

By doing simple acts of kindness for others, we can’t help but lift ourselves up.  The challenge is that our own lives can be so overwhelming that it is easy to forget that others also have needs.    

Part of a quality life is learning to appreciate and consider the emotional struggles of our neighbors.
The only way to experience the richness of this life is to live in an attitude of gratitude and to appreciate that you have kindness and empathy that you can share.

The very best way to ensure that you have happiness is to assist others in experiencing their own.  In my own experience I have been helped by widows that have also lost their husbands, but my real healing came when I returned their kindness by passing their advice on to even more widows.

Remember – we are not alone in this world  :-)

Newsletter for Your Grieving and Healing Journey

For the full article signup for my newsletter on this website.  http://sisterhoodofwidows.com/

Meanwhile here are my five top tips:

1. Stay around positive people.
2. Acknowledge your fear and write out three action steps to overcome it.
3. Read over your goals every day and write in your gratitude journal.
4. Slow down your mind and concentrate on a state of appreciation and well-being.
5. Think of what you do want, not what you don’t want to happen.

The full article will go into greater detail and have more tips and advice. This newsletter is for everyone not just widows. 

If you have ever lost a loved one then reading the articles written by professionals that understand, will give you support, encouragement and understanding.

Are You Out Of Your Comfort Zone?

We all live our lives trying to avoid risky situtations and avoid the potential to be hurt, but life doesn’t always work out as planned. 

As widows we have been taken out of our comfort zone so we may as well try something new and see if it works.  It may, it may not, but you’ll never know if you don’t give it a try.

As long as you try to stay in that old comfort zone, you will find it hard to heal.  Ignoring the pain doesn’t make it any less painful.  You can’t hide from it by denying it or ignoring it.  Change is disruptive…But it doesn’t make any difference.  You have to get through it and survive.

Never under estimate your inner power to change yourself.  You can do it!

Get Emotional Support for Your Grief Journey

You’ll know that you’re detached and out of touch with how you feel when others seem more emotional then you. You may feel disconnected and emotionally unavailable. Try to open up to close friends or family members that you trust to honor your thoughts and feelings.

Although not for everyone, professional help can be just what you need to understand that it’s normal to be so unbalanced. If you want to talk to someone that can help you with the emotions that you’re faced with then get a Counselor that you’re comfortable with.

 Ask other widows if they know of anyone that can help you, look up the local Community Health Clinic or ask your Family Doctor for a referral. Don’t hold back, this is the time to reach out.

The Sisterhood of Widows isn’t a blood tie, but women bond together in special way that makes us like a family. We share the parts of our lives that only other women can understand. It is important to spend time with a family of women to nurture and support ourselves. To be listened to, humored and encouraged by our women friends is a gift not to be taken lightly.

The following websites and authors are about living a life with purpose:
www.jackcanfield.com                  www.briantracy.com                           www.jimrohn.com

Stephen Covey, Anthony Robbins, Denis Waitley, Chris Widener, Vic Johnson (Goals2go), Bob Proctor, Zig Ziglar, Robin Sharma and Mark Victor Hansen are some of the best in the world so check them out.  Most of the above authors offer free newsletters and samples so you don’t have to buy anything.

Financial Decisions

Financial decisions have to be made every time you turn around.   Everyone has an opinion but not everyone is an expert.

This is your future security so be very cautious.

• Ask your bank about their Financial Planning Consultants.
• Talk to your Insurance Agent about your policies and financial planning.
• See your Lawyer to redo your will and ask about a living trust fund.
• Think about preplanning your funeral – it’s a gift to the family.

Can you afford to live the life you really want?

 You have to take control because ignorance is not bliss when it comes to your money.
If you don’t know what to do or how to do it asking for help is your first step.   We all need support when learning new skills.   Check out   the website http://widowed.ca/ for some great advise for Canadian widows.

 

Balance your check book and get your bills together. Know what is coming in and what is going out every month. Identify the expenses that are unnecessary and get rid of them.  Ask yourself what adds value to your life.   This website www.debtproofliving.com has some great advise.

 

• Take time to be grateful for what you do have and more abundance will come to you.
• Give to others -not just money but in sharing of your time to help someone else.

 Living well does not require having a lot of money. And living within your means does not mean that you have to give up those things you enjoy. The key is to stop and ask yourself what truly makes you happy and go for quality of life not quantity of things.

When Is It Time To Move

As a widow ages, she may want to remain in her own home because of her memories. But for many, their declining health may make that impossible.
Moving from the home you shared with your husband to a new place is never easy and a widow may not even be sure if a move is the right thing to do.
You don’t have to be old and sick before you make the decision to move. Many widows move because they want a smaller place with less maintenance. Others move because it will provide a more social environment or make their financial life a little easier.
The last thing you want to deal with is another major change in your life, so don’t take this step until you are ready.
Some signs that you may be ready to move:

• The house is less kept up and maintenance isn’t being done.
• Expenses for heat, taxes and insurance are hard to pay.
• Too many steps make it difficult to get around the house.
• It’s hard to keep the outside walkways shoveled in the winter.
• You don’t have a social life or see many people.
• The house feels empty and too lonely for one person.
• You are thinking more and more about moving to a smaller place.

You can talk this over with friends and family but remember that the decision is not reversible so the time to move has to be when it feels right for you.