Passion Tree - Just for Widows

I’ve thought of this alot since I’ve become a widow. What is a life of passion? I think it’s a joyful life but that’s hard to find after the death of a loved one. Everything is grey and dull and its hard to even laugh.

I think there should be a Passion Tree and we should be able to pick our passion. If only it was that easy!! I have found life alot more joyful since I became passionate about helping other widows.

I think that to be joyful you have to find your passion in life. Somehow it will involve helping others because when you stop looking at your grief and focusing on others you can’t help feeling. And feeling, any feeling in the beginning is a great start to living a life of passion.

Setting Goals as a Widow

Don’t waste your time thinking it’s too late to go after your dreams. You can learn new things at any time in your life if you’re willing to be a beginner. When it comes to dreams – nobody makes you do them. Nobody is going to push you.

So, take the time to define your goals – Don’t be afraid.

• On one line write down something you want to have or to do.
• On the same line put a target date for reaching your goal.
• List under your goal line all the steps that need to be taken to reach that goal.
• Break down the list as to what needs to be done every day on a consistent basis.
• At the end of each day write out your thoughts about that day in a journal.

Example if my goal is to lose 20 pounds in 3 months – it’s only 6.5 lbs a month, and that is only 1.5 lbs per week.   Funny, how l.5 lbs per week sounds so much easier.  And that is the secret – break the goal into small pieces that you can do. 

All I did was state my goal and break it down to what I would do each day.  Somehow that big scary goal became small and easy for me to accomplish.

Repeat this process for every goal: write goal – set date – list daily steps – journal at day’s end.
Take some time to really think about what you want your goals to be.

Support for Widows as they Grieve

You’ll know that you’re detached and out of touch with how you feel when others seem more emotional then you. You may feel disconnected and emotionally unavailable. Try to open up to close friends or family members that you trust to honor your thoughts and feelings.

Although not for everyone, professional help can be just what you need to understand that it’s normal to be so unbalanced. If you want to talk to someone that can help you with the emotions that you’re faced with then get a Counselor that you’re comfortable with.

Ask other widows if they know of anyone that can help you, look up the local Community Health Clinic or ask your Family Doctor for a referral. Don’t hold back, this is the time to reach out.

The Sisterhood of Widows isn’t a blood tie, but women bond together in special way that makes us like a family. We share the parts of our lives that only other women can understand. It is important to spend time with a family of women to nurture and support ourselves. To be listened to, humored and encouraged by our women friends is a gift not to be taken lightly.

The following websites and authors are about living a life with purpose:
www.jackcanfield.com                  www.briantracy.com                           www.jimrohn.com

Stephen Covey, Anthony Robbins, Denis Waitley, Chris Widener, Vic Johnson (Goals2go), Bob Proctor, Zig Ziglar, Robin Sharma and Mark Victor Hansen are some of the best in the world so check them out.  Most of the above authors offer free newsletters and samples so you don’t have to buy anything.

Financial Decisions As a Widow

Financial decisions have to be made every time you turn around.   Everyone has an opinion but not everyone is an expert.

This is your future security so be very cautious.

• Ask your bank about their Financial Planning Consultants.
• Talk to your Insurance Agent about your policies and financial planning.
• See your Lawyer to redo your will and ask about a living trust fund.
• Think about preplanning your funeral – it’s a gift to the family.

Can you afford to live the life you really want?

You have to take control because ignorance is not bliss when it comes to your money.
If you don’t know what to do or how to do it asking for help is your first step.   We all need support when learning new skills.   Check out   the website http://widowed.ca/ for some great advise for Canadian widows.

Balance your check book and get your bills together. Know what is coming in and what is going out every month. Identify the expenses that are unnecessary and get rid of them.  Ask yourself what adds value to your life.  

This website www.debtproofliving.com has some great advise.

• Take time to be grateful for what you do have and more abundance will come to you.
• Give to others -not just money but in sharing of your time to help someone else.

Living well does not require having a lot of money. And living within your means does not mean that you have to give up those things you enjoy. The key is to stop and ask yourself what truly makes you happy and go for quality of life not quantity of things.

Adjusting to Our Grief

One of the most important skills we will ever learn is how to adjust to a crisis in our lives.  There will be more crises in our future and learning how to handle the pain will help shorten our path.

Start right off by keeping a journal so that you can follow your path.  You will be able to re-read it over time and gain a better understanding of your changes and the wisdom you gained.  

The adjustment to a single life can be overwhelming – Where to start?  But as you make your our path, you’ll discover that despite the emotional trauma you have experienced – personal growth and happiness is still possible.

I’m grateful for those that have helped me and I’ll be sharing their wisdom with you.  There are some specific ways to find your path and some find it almost immediately, while others are unable to identify a way out because their feelings are buried in their pain.  Fear and denial can be stumbling stones on your path, but once you see and acknowledge them , you will be able to find your way around them.

In the next few weeks I will pass on the wisdom of others that have traveled the grief to healing path.  We will work on those feelings that make you reluctant to get back out into the world.  How about you?  Are you stumbling?  Keep in touch and we will work on it together.

Everyone Grieves Differently

Everyone grieves differently. There’s no single correct way to express the pain, sorrow, emptiness, and other parts of the transition need to learn to live on your own again.

Intense responses are sometimes seen as “losing control,” when in fact they’re simply how that person is actively (and productively) processing the loss.  Let every one grieve and heal as their journey unfolds.

Most people never stop grieving a death; they learn to live with it. Grief is a response, not a straight line with an endpoint

Ignore oft-quoted rules and opinions that  predict how long certain types of grief should last.
Learning how to grieve is ultimately part instinct, part stumbling along, part just getting up in the morning — a bit like learning how to live
.
The grief process isn’t a steady fade-out, like a photograph left in the sun.  Grief is a chaotic roller coaster — a mix of ups, downs, steady straight lines, and the occasional up chuck.
Periods of intense sadness and pain can flare up and then fade away for the rest of your life.

Some people never cry.  Tears or outward expressions of anguish simply aren’t everyone’s grieving style, says psychologist Neimeyer.

This doesn’t mean they’re grieving less then someone who is visibly shaken or that they didn’t love the person just as much. Nor does a lack of obvious emotion mean the griever has an emotional problem or will fall apart at a later date or that they will have a harder adjustment to the loss.

It just means quite simply that everyone is different in all aspects of their lives and that includes grieving.

Grief Steals Our Peace

Bad days – we all have them.  One day everything is fine and the next everything looks grey and sad.

The good news is that pain, while soul-crushing, is manageable.  The pain can steal my peace but it does leave behind experience.  This experience is more valuable then gold because it is what armors me against the emptiness and gives me the capability to help other widows.

If you’re fortunate enough to give someone else some disaster relief, it is a beautiful thing.   I’m a firm believer in the power of distraction and it’s cure for loneliness and frustration.

Please accept my occasional mood swings and irritation when people say “This too shall pass”.  ”Buck up”.  ”You will find someone else”.  ”It’s time to move on”.   People need to mourn their losses their own way and memories need to be honored.

Sometimes we just need to be sad and to be listened to – a hug wouldn’t hurt either.  You can’t make it better because it is what it is.  We can’t fix everything and sometimes life just isn’t fair. But through all this I have friends and family that I love and who love me.

My bad days are fewer as the years go on, but they are still part of my own journey.